Stuff I should probably mention to my therapist (but haven’t)
1. I can’t remember my life.
The other day I saw a picture of my best friend from age 9 to 16. we had know each other since we were 3. I had forgot she existed. I never think of her, i barely remember what we did together, despite going on a few holidays. I forget boyfriends I have had. I forget horrible experiences until someone mentions something from that time. My life memory is very short and im sure thats not normal.
2. I get flashbacks
They only happen for a period of time. They last a few weeks then go. I replay the same events over and over and forget how much I have been thinking about them (see above). I replay alternatives, the things I wish I had done. I get stuck back there. the memories spring on me like I didnt know them, fresh every time.
3. All my relationships have been a failure and I hate it. Well relationships end, but that doesn’t mean they are a failure. you learn things, you appreciate the memories in time. not me. At one point or another I have felt used or exploited in all my relationships.
4. I am not as well as you think.
I can hold my shit together if I need to, and I’ve been doing a good job of it recently. But no matter how hard you try the actual medical problem will take over and mess you up.
5. I have no idea who I am or where I am going.
I am convinced I will never meet anyone, that I am getting to old. I would like a partner, thats all i know, but i wont get one just to do what people think ‘you should do’. I have no sense of identity. You know when you do silly facebook quizes, and you get questions like ‘my friends say i’m ……’ well i have no idea what they would say. I dont know what I am.
6. I see no future.
This is different to not knowing where I am going, I see no life for me after about the age of 50. Maybe thats normal for my age (23).
7. You are not taking me seriously enough.
I am going to break at some point, i’m not on meds, I dont have enought support and one day I will snap again and this recovery cycle will start over again. That was depressing … here is a cheerier song